This Year's Man

This morning I had one of those strange dreams in which you know you're dreaming about something you were thinking about before you went to bed, or when you were walking home. It's one of those "Hey, I had just thought about that a while ago" moments. This morning I dreamt about having a child; not my having a child myself, as in actually giving birth, but about my being a dad. I had a clear picture of the child's mother, and her face is the only thing I can think of at the moment, which is very confusing. I know I have seen her before, but I do not remember where... Talk about vexing! It's not like I'm in desperate search for my 'baby momma'; I'm just curious to know: why her?

Humanity at Large

Whoever claimed that life gets easier once one has aged beyond one's teenage years, or has matured, was very misleading; it is one of the fraudulent statements that has entered our parlance, and made itself feel quite at home in the hall of fame of cliches. Well, life does not get easier instead life loses its originality, its ingenuity, and occurences that once stirred your emotions lose their impact by the tedium of repetition. Life gently herds us to tranquil pastures where we munch on old chestnuts with a blasé air, or something. I can understand how one can confuse tedium with a state of comfort; tedium is always conducive to ease, if only in a deluding way. At any rate, my life keeps getting more complicated as days pass. I simply have to wake up, and breathe. No other actions need be undertaken.

So, I'm reading on technology and how it affects humans / our conceptions of humanity. I have started - of course - by examining what makes us human - as distinctive to 'animals' - to begin with. Naturally my reading started with morality. Our desire for conformity to the rules of - what is generally quite arbitrary, and highly subject to change - right conduct is astonishing; we are willing to sacrifice a whole lot to just be accepted. Morality is a funny concept, especially when viewed in relation to our equally strong desire to be independent individuals. We spent most of our teenage years asserting our individuality whilst trying to brave the storm of peer pressure only to succumb to it in later years. I see it happening all around me at work. Most colleagues are enticed to join the whispering choir by the leading rumor-mongers, and then heartily partake in Chinese whispers about anything & everything. Is this right conduct? I do not know; judging by the standard I should think it is, however all this murmuring is not conducive to comfort, nor a genial work space. No matter how great the tedium it engenders.

My love life is troublesome; not in the least because of my laborious efforts to get a date, but because of my whimsical taste in men. I seem to fall for men who are the mirror image of me; this is the source of many a stormy relationship, but I'd rather a gentle breeze than a passionate storm. You can attribute it to age. As I get older, and consequently wiser, or I should say 'fitted', my desire for genial relationships grows ardent. It must be because of the slowing of my metabolism. At any rate, I should find a way to adjust my taste to suit my mood. I have always had a terrible time adjusting my palate to a change in diet... Ah well.

Beauty

My philosophy in life is to live as though there's no to-morrow. One can only imagine the disappointment I experience time and time again - at least, up till now - when I wake up to the fact that yet another dawn has, well er, dawned on us. I comfort myself with the thought that the recurring of dawn satisfies an innate human desire for structure & predictability, and that my disappointment in that light viewed should not weigh so heavily as to make me want to slit my wrists, or do something equally foolish. I have been accused of being suicidal in the not-so-distant past, perhaps it's sensible not to joke about such a serious matter lest that person should read this and put two and two together.

At any rate, life is like a fluffy cloud, and I'm like a hydrogen molecule floating upward toward the sun. I have actually never felt better. I suspect it's because I've gained a new appreciation for "the real world". I have spent a considerable time living, breathing, thinking in a virtual world. A world of books, and ether. A few weeks back my eyes suddenly opened themselves and I saw life smiling at me, and waving me hello enthusiastically. I could no longer neglect it.

So, I'm taking life out for dinner; to say thanks. I wish I knew what could allay its appetite.

Broken Glass

A few weeks back I took a metro home which had as its destination "Unknown". I thought it very apt since I absolutely had no clue where I was heading. How disappointed I was to find out that "Unknown" is close to where I live; just 2 KM South to my temporary abode. A rude awakening - so to speak.

Yes, a few weeks back I had a blind date, or to be exact: an appointment to go on a blind date. I did not go. I did not feel like it, at any rate. The thought of having to spend time with a person I do not know that well, and having to entertain him by being pleasant and amiable, and having to laugh at his mediocre jokes, and having to show interest in his personal life/hobbies/interests/etc. when in effect I could not give a horse's rear-end made me reconsider seriously. Besides these small drawbacks that showed themselves when I was heading to "Unknown" I was terribly tired, and not in the mood for company.

Yesterday I met a friend I hadn't seen since October 2006 (it was on his Birthday); he broke up with his girlfriend. They were together for five years and have a son. I was saddened when he told me; I had got into my mind that they would remain an item till the end of time, but unfortunately life got in the way. Life has a way of throwing its weight around like that thwarting our designs. At any rate, we talked about the past, and about the future, about friendships/relationships. I thought about my own fancies at the moment.

At this point in time I do not crave company. I find it taxing. On the one hand I'd love to have a relationship, and be square. On the other I simply don't. Conflicting desires.

Ah, well.