I do not watch TV. This is not some hip rebellious statement; I actually do not watch TV. I watch TV series - I must confess - albeit on DVD. Nowadays I find it strange that people spend hours on end in front of the Telly. I used to be a TV addict back in the 80s. TV was my drug of choice; I had very little else to numb the pain of my pre-teen hardcore lifestyle of kindergarten & sticks-and-stones harassment at school interchanged with the emotionally crippled parents' TLC at home. Besides the hard drug TV I experimented with the soft drug Books. I alternated between the two. Shooting up TV in the morning, and inhaling some powerful words in the afternoon before heading to bed. I solely watched cartoons. I believe I watched *all* the cartoons that aired during the 80s & early 90s. It was my first encounter with the English language; no subtitles meant either quickly getting with the programme, or letting the programme be and use your imagination to fill in the vast blanks. Funnily enough during the 80s all villains spoke some sort of archaic English. Soit.
I was heading somewhere with this entry, but I forget. I tend to be forgetful a lot these days. Perhaps it's because there's so very little going on in my actual life. I've decided that I should dislike my colleagues simply because they are nitwits, and deserve my scorn. Moreover they gossip incessantly & indiscriminately about everyone who's working for our company. I've already let know that I do not want to participate in this game of Chinese whispers, but it seems that they do not take heed of words that do not come in the shade of scandal. Alas. At any rate, I've decided I should dislike the bulk of the lot (i.e. only the fatties... har har har)
Oh, trust. I have been thinking about trust. It's such a flimsy concept. Trust. "I trust you'll do such and such correctly." There is little else you can do but rely intently on the other person's integrity, and ability. However confident you are chances are still great that the person in question will let you down hard. Nevertheless without that flimsy concept 'trust' it's quite difficult to establish meaningful, and intimate relationships with people. It's a slippery slope.
Nowadays I don't have expectations concerning people - hence my liberal interpretation of trust: I have no confident expectation of their meeting the standard of behaviour that I esteem. People rarely do what you expect them to do (and by this I mean: what you want them to do - in the usual order of things you can predict someone's behaviour based on her/his modus operandi, but that's not what I mean in this scenario, or any other scenario in which humans who are emotionally tied together must interact). I just voice my wish, if they take heed: great. If not: ah well, better luck next time. Of course I experience some form of frustration when they do not grant me my wish, but it never sticks. I simply resolve to let it go; put them on ignore. When my words take I acknowledge their trustworthiness, which doesn't mean I trust them; it just means that I recognize the fact that they have shown in this particular instance empathy. They are in effect paving the road to that elusive shrine of Trust. (I feel I'm getting too wordy again...)
Whatever.
I think I like someone. My feelings for him go beyond mere friendly, which is vexing since they do not have a release. I also do not know whether this person likes me back, which is even more vexing. Every time I resolve to make my feelings known some sort of fated incident takes place that thwarts my noble intentions. One would think - based on this - that it is not meant to be. But seeing my relationship with the Fates has always been capricious & playful I fashion this their way of showing me that they care. In the meantime I'm grinding my passion into dust.
Cough, cough.
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